Time for Reflection

I'm reflecting less these days. I don't like that but I know what it is. It's one part intentional busyness, and the other part pain avoidance. I keep moving, trying not to dwell on things for which I have no answers. At first, I went to that rock wall a hundred times a day asking my questions. It was a relentless search for understanding, and I continually banged at those hard, immoveable, unyielding walls. And when I hurt my head, over and over again, with banging at something that was never going to give way, I started going in different directions.

Less, "Why, God?". But more, "What, God?". What do we do with Joey now? What do we do with all this heartbreak? What place does someone who's gone have in our lives? What do we do with his precious things? What do we do with the fragile memories? What can we do to honor his memory? What is important enough to invest in now? What do we do with our broken lives?

Coming up with these answers is like digging in fallow ground. Unlike banging on the rock wall, there are answers to these questions. But it does require hard work to unearth them, and to unearth the right ones. So we are digging, digging, and slowly piecing the answers together, bit by bit. There is no manual. We have to figure it out prayerfully and purposefully. Sometimes through trial and error. What works for one doesn't always work for the others. What works today doesn't necessarily work tomorrow. But I pray we eventually end up with something that all of us can support.

We are learning how to have a relationship with Joey's spirit which is alive and well in Heaven. We stay connected with Joey through memories, dreams and the artifacts of his life. Sunday morning worship always connects me with him as I imagine him doing the same thing we are doing, but in Paradise and at the throne of God. Taking care of his car, "Gunther", is another way of connecting. This one turns out to be an expensive proposition as his VW Vanagon is over 20 year old and, like me, it deteriorates with each new day. This blog and his facebook page help to preserve some of the memories, and so I will keep it going. Memories are difficult because they are fading as time goes on, and thus we have to intentionally remind each other to remember this story or that bit--constant mental archiving to last us till we see him again. Anniversary dates will continue to be a source of anxiety for a long time because they are such big reminders of our loss. I just accept that there will never be the "perfect" way to honor the big days--the day of his birth and the day of his death-- adequately.

The quest to find a way to honor his memory is ongoing. We have still not found a clear cut living memorial, though we have tried several on to see if they fit--causes related to epilepsy, sudden death, trees, music, a Compassion child who shares his name or birthday, Operation Smile...and others. That one is still fluid--we are in search of the right cause, one that sustains our passion. I envy those mothers like Karen Gerstenberger who have created a foundation to their child's memory. With every quilt, her beautiful daughter Katie's memory is honored. But since that is not our story, we continue to trust that in time some just-right-thing will stand out. I would love to know how others do this.

As for finding what is worthy of my time and money investment, that too is a matter of trial and error. For me now, teaching Sunday School rings the bell. I have never been the slightest bit interested in teaching children at church. I could barely get my own in the doors on time, and this harried mother couldn't wait to sit down and be a spectator in the pews. But now I want to have a part in helping every little child I know be prepared for both the moral choices and the suffering and heartbreak that inevitably lie ahead in their lives.

I am so grateful that Joey had that foundation as a child. It didn't make him perfect, but it did help to make him wonderful. And at his final breath, I do believe that his relationship with God, and God's great mercy for those who trust Him, was the most important factor in determining his eternal destiny. So Sunday School, with all its time-sucking preparation and it's creative challenges (cuz it's a sin to bore a child in Jesus' name), and the post-church fatigue from having engaged 25 busy little minds with busy fingers and wiggly bodies, seems very much worth the investment...

...and I don't have to reflect much to see the truth in that.

Is 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Little Miss Namesake

My precious friend, Melissa, with her granddaughter Josie.

They have a mutual admiration society.

Melissa is Joey's second Mama. Her son, Kevin, is Josie's daddy, and Joey's best friend-- since they were babies themselves! She was named Josephine in honor of our son, and it always gives us a thrill to see pictures of her Royal Pinkness. She may be one of the cutest babies in the history of the world!

Here she is getting to know her Unkie JJ from her own special book about him.

We love you, Josie. You are our sunshine girl.

We love and miss you, Melissa and Kevin and Molly.

Thinking of you always...

One Year Old

A few days ago, my blog reached it's one year anniversary. As I debate continuing with it, I am reflecting over the past year and can see that the blog has been a big help to me. I think repeatedly pouring out my grief has given vent to some of my worst pain, and just writing down thoughts and feelings has been therapy. Meeting others who also grieve--my kindred spirits--has eased my isolation and given me a special kind of comfort in community. And I am grateful for my readers who have faithfully encouraged me over and over again. It's been a true place of healing for me--my own little hospital room.

My blog started as a coping mechanism, mainly because I could hardly think or function. I would literally just sit my days away, staring into space, really just in shock, trying to absorb the truth of our loss. But now my blog is a daily habit that gets me going, and it's a soft way to start my day -- I don't do stress well at all anymore. I can't rush and hurry like I once did, I can't have a big to do list in front of me. I now simply ease my way quietly into each day.

Each morning I sit in the same spot in the corner of my couch near the fireplace ("my sacred spot") with my computer on my lap, and gather myself together for the day. It's quiet, and near the window, and I can see out, and see the weather and absorb the natural light. I wrap myself in cozy blankets. I glance at my email and then I read the daily devotional from Greg Laurie that comes in my email each day. Greg is a gifted pastor who lost his son about the same time we did, so he's a voice I have felt I could trust. His short and succinct devotional has kept me connected to God in my darkest days. It's been an anchor for my soul.

After that, about 7:30 am, I turn to my blog. When I'm up to it, perhaps once a week, I listen to the music on my blog page. It is a mixture of comfort and grief triggers, so I tend to be careful about when I listen and will spare myself unless I am alone, and have the time and strength to dip into all that longing and sorrow. If I listen, I cry, but on those days I feel better afterwards--emptied of my accumulated heartache.

Every day I check my blog roll to see if any of my grieving friends have posted, because their posts invariably strengthen me in some way--if only to help me feel not so all alone. I send little prayers up to God for them as I read. I care about their pain as much as if I had met them in person, and have had their tears on my shoulders. I am still not able to read anything lengthy or to even pray long prayers, so the short snippets of others' blog posts are just the right size. As I read, I send heartfelt "arrow" prayers to God, with the hope that He hears and will answer in His time and way.

I have yielded control a thousand times in the past year, and asked Him to do what only He can do --for me, my family, my friends, and my fellow grievers. I give God more leeway than I used to because now I know most things are out of my control.(How did I miss that truth before?) This planet and the human story are on their own trajectory, and only God can save the day. And He will. It is getting easier and easier to let go and turn things over to Him.

This blog represents many prayers, many tears and immeasurable loss. It's also been a very effective release for all of that. It's helped me to steady my rocking boat a bit. A side benefit has been that it's also forced me to focus on the here and now and the blessings in my life. When I first started blogging, I could hardly do that. I had to discipline myself to post anything beside pictures of Joey. I couldn't take my eyes off of him for a second. It was as if he was on life support and it was my job to monitor the machines to keep him alive. I couldn't leave his side. Now I feel he is safely inside--I carry him with me now. I always, always wish he were here, but now I know I will see him again.

So, on the one year mark, I am grateful for all that this blog has meant to me. It's a precious record of my long, difficult journey, interspliced with God's tender mercies. I'm just waiting to see what happens next.

Job 30:16 "And now my soul is poured out within me; Days of affliction have seized me.

Psalm 31:7 I will be glad and rejoice in your love,
for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul.

US Hockey Team Rocks!

United
States

of Amazing Athletes!

We are now ready for the final playoff between Canada and the U.S.

Proudly wearing their colors and supporting our guys.

Hockey is Chase's game. He's spent the past seven years and several thousands of his parents dollars perfecting his skills. He would like nothing better in life than to play in the pros. The game even pulls his attention away from the hot wings.

Drew, our resident facepainting artist, imitates baby Marek during a break in the action. Unfortunately, our little good luck charm wasn't enough to bring us the victory this time. So, sooo close though. When the U.S. got their second goal we all screamed so loudly, little Marek burst into tears.

Here, Mama Steph comforts him while keeping an eye on the exciting last few minutes of the game. Marek's proudly sporting his colors too!

We're proud of the U.S. effort and can only say, "What a team and what a game!"

Tsunami Warning

This is the view outside our deck at our beautiful Maui home. Right smack in a tsunami zone.

The Chilean 8.8 earthquake has created a Pacific tsunami that has forced evacuation of the coastal areas in the islands. It is predicted to hit at about 11 am Maui time. All island residents are taking this one seriously and preparing. There is time to get boats out to sea, buy food and water, prepare for power failures, seal things up and move to higher ground.

The view from our Maui living room.

Fortunately we are above water level here, by about 15 feet. Unfortunately we have a basement room that may fill with ocean water!

Hopefully the tsunami, which is predicted to be 9-12 feet tall, will not cause any damage to people or property in the islands. We are tuning in to Hawaiian newscasts and can hear the tsunami sirens blasting all over the state.

My thoughts and prayers are here today.

The following is a report from the Pacific Disaster Center which is monitoring and updating this tsunami's status every hour.

A TSUNAMI HAS BEEN GENERATED THAT COULD CAUSE DAMAGE ALONG
COASTLINES OF ALL ISLANDS IN THE STATE OF HAWAII. URGENT ACTION
SHOULD BE TAKEN TO PROTECT LIVES AND PROPERTY.
A TSUNAMI IS A SERIES OF LONG OCEAN WAVES. EACH INDIVIDUAL WAVE
CREST CAN LAST 5 TO 15 MINUTES OR MORE AND EXTENSIVELY FLOOD
COASTAL AREAS. THE DANGER CAN CONTINUE FOR MANY HOURS AFTER THE
INITIAL WAVE AS SUBSEQUENT WAVES ARRIVE. TSUNAMI WAVE HEIGHTS
CANNOT BE PREDICTED AND THE FIRST WAVE MAY NOT BE THE LARGEST.
TSUNAMI WAVES EFFICIENTLY WRAP AROUND ISLANDS. ALL SHORES ARE AT
RISK NO MATTER WHICH DIRECTION THEY FACE. THE TROUGH OF A TSUNAMI
WAVE MAY TEMPORARILY EXPOSE THE SEAFLOOR BUT THE AREA WILL
QUICKLY FLOOD AGAIN. EXTREMELY STRONG AND UNUSUAL NEARSHORE
CURRENTS CAN ACCOMPANY A TSUNAMI. DEBRIS PICKED UP AND CARRIED
BY A TSUNAMI AMPLIFIES ITS DESTRUCTIVE POWER. SIMULTANEOUS HIGH
TIDES OR HIGH SURF CAN SIGNIFICANTLY INCREASE THE TSUNAMI HAZARD.
THE ESTIMATED ARRIVAL TIME IN HAWAII OF THE FIRST TSUNAMI WAVE IS
1119 AM HST SAT 27 FEB 2010

Shaun White Reprise

Shaun White and Olympic Gold for snowboarding


Some of Joey's marketing materials for Shaun White and Red Bull

The coveted guitar picks!

The other day I posted about the Snowboarding Olympic Gold Medalist, Shaun White, and the fact that our son, Joey, who ran a division of a marketing company called Sauce Design, was proud to have both Shaun and Red Bull as his clients. I wasn't able to post pictures of his work because I misplaced my camera battery and charger. I have since found both, which is a great relief. I found these pictures in Joey's computer, so ( drum roll, please) I am very proud to present some of the marketing materials that Joey, in the last year of his life, created for Shaun White and Red Bull. (He also made a fantastic video which I don't know how to insert here.) Just as a coincidence, you may notice that Joey and Shaun had very similar coloring.

And frankly, this is just one little slice of his genius, and it is especially apropos with the Olympics going on right now. The kid made us proud in so many ways.

Dream

Joe woke up sobbing this morning. He turned to me and told me that he had just had the most vivid dream of a plane that had crash-landed, and everyone was scrambling to get out of the plane, and he was the last on board. All the passengers were jumping into the water, and he was in back, waiting his turn, wrapped only in a towel. As he was leaving the rear of the plane, he noticed it began moving and he saw there was a semi-truck pulling the plane out and along a wharf. There were three men in the cab of the truck who were laughing like they do this all the time. As he was walking away in his towel, the three men greeted him, and one of them had a polaroid instant camera and snapped two pictures of him and handed them to him and said: "You will like these". Joe took them and laughed thinking, " This will be proof for Karen that this really happened".

As he walked into the crowded terminal, packed with people because of the crash, he looked down at the developing pictures. Instead of finding pictures of himself, they were pictures of Joey, all radiant and beautiful. Joe was thinking how happy he was that he had gotten some new pictures of Joey, when suddenly it dawned on him that these had just been taken only minutes before. He fell to his knees sobbing, which woke him up, still sobbing.

His interpretation of the dream: the plane is life, the crash is all that goes wrong in our broken world, God has to tow us out of the crash, the drivers are angels, God's ministering servants, the towel indicates that all material things are gone, and don't matter, the pictures of Joey were a window into eternity, the reality is not this life, but the life beyond.

Good dream--good tears.

Joey is alive and well and in another place, but not so very far away.

Acts 2:17 In the last days, God says, I will pour out my Spirit on all people. Your sons and daughters will prophesy, your young men will see visions, your old men will dream dreams.

Addendum to Previous Post

For those of you who've asked--I haven't posted a picture of said guitar pick due to the unfortunate loss of my camera battery and charger. I think I left them at a hotel last weekend, which is now on hiatus for a month for refurbishment. I have a feeling I will never see those two items again.

Just so you know...

Shaun White and the Olympics

It's been fun watching Shaun White win Olympic gold for his snowboarding acrobatics. He's an amazing guy, extremely talented and likable--with a personality as bright as that red mane of hair. In the last year of my son's life, Shaun White was his client in a marketing alliance with Red Bull. Joey created marketing campaigns for both the man and the product and spent some time in Aspen doing promotions for Shaun during the X-Games. Tonight my husband commented that the dozens of guitar picks with Sean White's logo, designed by our son, might be a hot item on E-bay.

Not that we are selling.

Just another reminder that our son has moved on to bigger and better things.

A Letter from a Friend

Danny Lehmann

(follow link to bio and books)

Dear Karen and Joe,
Aloha from Honolulu. Linda and I sat down yesterday and read aloud your meditations on heaven and were quite moved. It is so incredible to see God's grace in your life in helping you to walk through the pain of losing Joey. The following is in response to what you said in your letter I would not have sent this to you any time sooner until now but was prompted in reading your reponse.

This is because it is factually based, theologically grounded, etc. and it is usually not facts and theology that people need when they are hurting. But I felt to write the following as a confirmation on what God has already been showing you and to encourage that you are on the right track in looking forward to the future.

All of us deal with grief differently. I have never lost a son so I have no way of knowing how to deal with the same degree of grief that you folks have had. However in the last year I have lost my best friend to cancer, a very good friend, Kit to cancer and now am watching my best friend's wife (the one who died) lose her hair in suffering with cancer as well. Also, we have had several of our YWAM leaders who were early pioneers pass away recently as well.

This has caused me to dive into the Scriptures to really get convinced in my own mind about all this stuff about heaven and eternity (and I suppose this is the way I process grief!). This led me on an intense study of the Bible on my own and a consulting of deep theologians like N. T. Wright who has written a 900 page thesis on the "Resurrection of the Body" (called "The Resurrection of the Son of God") and a more popular book called "Surprised by Hope." There is also a 500 page book that I plowed through last year by Randy Alcorn called "Heaven" which is a more readable rendering of what happens after death and kind of a user friendly way of communicating what N.T. Wright has said as well as others.

I recently heard professor Wright in a question and answer session at Calvin College. When speaking of heaven he said "OK for those of you American Evangelicals, yes when we die we go to heaven - but we won't be there for long!" By this he was referring to the clear teaching of Scripture on us inhabiting a "new heaven and a new earth" spoken of many times in Scripture in the writings of Peter and the book of Revelation. Both N.T. Wright and Randy Alcorn stress in their books, " The PHYSICALITY of our eternal life." Both of these authors drill home that we will be in physical and resurrection bodies identical to the one that Jesus appeared in when he met with his disciples (Phil. 3:21, 1John3:1-2). An excellent chapter in Alcorns book entitled "Who Will We be in Heaven" Alcorn points out many Scriptures where we retain the same identity that we had here on earth. With a lot of Scriptural background and a tad bit of conjecture and guesses based upon what is clear in Scripture, Alcorn suggests we will be exactly who we are for all eternity except with a magnifying glass on our good traits and our bad traits taken away.

The conclusion, to me, was a confirmation of what you said in your reflections on heaven, that we will be on paradise earth (the Jehovah witnesses had something right!) The reality will literally be heaven on earth when the New Jerusalem descends out of heaven from God and we all live forever on planet earth. The Scripture is not clear on descriptions of "heaven" so unfortunately our minds listen to Medevial writers who talk about sitting on clouds, and somehow floating around the universe as disembodied spirits. Wright and Alcorn point out that this is not the case. We will not be disembodied spirits, we will be in resurrection bodies able to recognize one another and continuing on for all eternity to love the ones that God gave us to love for our temporal life here on earth.

As you said, you will be reunited with Joey and will have the same wonderful interaction with him except enhanced to the nth degree; I suppose this will be to all the intensity we can handle by our loving Father in heaven. I will hang with my friend Kevin in heaven and continue to bug him about his red hair and he will continue to ridicule me about being short. I will bug Kit about all those times that he fell asleep in the Maui airport parking lot when I was supposed to be picked up to speak at the church! I will see Keith Green and ask him what the heck happened on that day when his plane went down.

One thing for sure. We will all as the scripture says have ETERNAL LIFE - an eternity not only with Jesus but with the ones Jesus has given us to love here on this earth.

Linda and I are finding as we are pushing 60 (I'm pushing harder than she is!) as we hear reports of friends going to be with the Lord (Just yesterday our first European YWAMer passed away) it causes us to think more about finishing well. I'm pouring myself into the next generation so that many more people will be able to experience this wonderful life in the new heaven and the new earth where indwells righteousness (2Peter 3).

I know the pain never goes away but as Paul exhorted the Thessalonians they were not to sorrow as others regarding those who had passed away because we know we will see them again. We sorrow not "as others" this is simply because we have the hope of eternal life. I have always observed the generally accepted wisdom not to talk a lot in the presence of grieving people and certainly not to give them a load of Scriptures to make them feel better. Often times those Scriptures make them feel worse, much like those Hallmark cards that you beat up on the other day, Karen! However, a word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver (Prov 25:11) and I trust these words will be that to you. May the Lord bless you guys and you are continually in our prayers, that God would continue to heal your hearts and help you personally to finish well.

Aloha,
Danny

Valentine for My Family

i carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in

my heart) i am never without it (anywhere

i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done

by only me is your doing, my darling)

i fear

no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want

no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)

and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows

higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

ee cummings

Snowy Memories

“In any man who dies there dies with him,

his first snow and kiss and fight.
Not people die but worlds die in them.”

Yevgeny Yevtushenko (Russian Poet, b.1933)

Think Heaven

My view of Heaven has radically changed in the past year and a half. When Joey departed earth, I had a dismally small view of Heaven--not that I knew that. In hindsight, I can see that I viewed it as a blandly mysterious, relatively colorless place, where people wait things out till the end of the world. It took me more than a few days to mentally transfer his spirit there, so abrupt was his departure. And then, I wasn't comforted by my notion of it at all. All I could feel was the deep gaping void of his absence and a shattering sense that we all had been cheated of his life, all of us including Joey. As time has passed, I still conclude that we were cheated, but now I'm not so certain that he was. Now I'm thinking he's the lucky one, he's the leader, and like a kid at Disneyland, he was passed to the front of the line for a still unknown reason, and he's loving every minute of it. He's supremely alive in an incredibly, indescribably wonderful way.

What does it mean to be alive in Heaven? I know the specific verses about Heaven, but they are, in my opinion, very thin on description. I was initially discouraged by this because I had not developed my imagination about Heaven. I couldn't picture what Joey was doing and I secretly felt it must not be much if God didn't bother to describe it.

But bit by bit, new light has dawned. Scripture now reads like a new book to me. Old familiar words that I had taken for granted, have taken on new life and meaning. What I notice in a new way as I read , what pops out at me now, are all the verses on eternal life. Everywhere, everywhere, verses and promises and encouragement based on the idea of eternal life. Few descriptions of Heaven, but many, many promises about eternal life, over and over again. Jesus doesn't explain what it is, but He relentlessly elevates it as the ultimate prize. It occurred to me that eternal life is not some space-agey place out in the stars that needs to be described. But it is this life, only the best of this life, the perfect part originally created by God before sin, continuing on. In a better way, in a better place, with better people, and with our beautiful God in the center of it all. Paradise.

My favorite verse is this one from John 11:25-26:

Jesus said to her, "I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die. Do you believe this?"

Those words tell me that death for a believer in Christ, like my son Joey, is merely a matter of geography--alive, but in a different place. Though we are suffering loss, Joey isn't. He simply shed a fragile skin, but he's alive, he never died, he lives in spite of dying--however you say it, it's good news. I think I thought I believed that before Joey departed, but then the unthinkable happened and the reality of the death of our beloved was so much more horrible than I ever imagined, I just wasn't sure of anything anymore.

If God has done anything in me since Joey left, it's been to re-shape my view of Heaven. Over and over again, I see and hear things that rebuild my confidence in its reality. I'm taking it personally. I believe God is on a campaign to convince me of the reality of Heaven. And it's not just from His Word, which is ultimately powerful, but He is corroborating His Word from nature, from history, from music, from movies, from the longings of our hearts for perfection, beauty and love.

It's safe to say it's a conviction now. I don't doubt it anymore. I don't dread it anymore. It's vivid and full of life and creation. It's better to me than earth, this place that I used to love so well that I tried to squeeze every bit of life out of it. I confess I mistook it for heaven and counted on it too much for my happiness. I've had to do quite a bit of reorganizing my life around some new truth. But now I'm certain that the place of my dreams lies in my future. And now, more often than not, I'm restlessly biding my time for my Homecoming day, and instead of longing for Joey to return, I long to go there and be with him.

Sympathy Cards

Had to buy one yesterday.
Found them to be totally and completely insipid, inadequate.
Written by people who have never lost the essential.
Saying stupid meaningless words.
You still have the love...
the memories...
every sunset a reminder...
That doesn't help.
Not at all.
Just makes me angry.
How dare you, Hallmark.

Snowy Friends in the Neighborhood

His sign says: "Will work for ice!"

Pops and Junior

A little tipsy


Caterpillar or caboose?

Shades...

Reflectors

Mee-owww

Honeymoon couple

Goggleman

Fancy scarf

Our humble little guy. Shyly hiding in our backyard.

Bear with us if you live in the snow and are totally sick of shoveling and longing for sunny days again. We've never done this before and are LOVING the snow and the snowmen!

Snowflakes Magnified

Here in southern Virginia, we are blanketed in splendiferous snow--see the pictures in posts below this one. I hear it's the biggest area snowfall in 25 years and we are supposed to get twelve to sixteen inches of it. Unfortunately for poor British Columbia, they can't get any, and the Olympics are just a mere two weeks away. Anyway, we are all full of wonder around here, and my grandson was asking me about snowflakes, which led to an internet search, which led to these incredible micro-photographs.

Awe-inspiring.

Pictures from Wilson A. Bentley, The Snowflake Man, public domain

"Under the microscope, I found that snowflakes were miracles of beauty; and it seemed a shame that this beauty should not be seen and appreciated by others. Every crystal was a masterpiece of design and no one design was ever repeated., When a snowflake melted, that design was forever lost. Just that much beauty was gone, without leaving any record behind."
Wilson "Snowflake" Bentley

1865-1931

White Through Our Windows

This is very, very exciting for people who have lived their whole lives in Southern California and Hawaii!

Americana Post Card Perfect!

All this... and we live at the beach!

Our Front Yard.

Sending a big shaka to our SoCal and island friends!