Best Picture Ever

Rachel, our daughter-in-love, just found this picture in her archives. It's an old one, when my hair was still red and our youngest grandchild was only 2 years old. Almost a decade ago. On beautiful Keanae Peninsula on the island of Maui. We'd been hiking as a family, and  my dear son-in-law and grandson are in the picture too. We all stopped to look at the breathtaking ocean before us. We were in awe and I was wrapped in the kind of hug you will only get from a son. 

I could die happy in that embrace. 

In a week it will be his 34th birthday. I take this as a gift from Heaven. 

I love you, beautiful boy. Thanks for all the love and happiness you have given your mama.

I miss you more than words.

"I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living my baby you'll be." 

Four Mother's Days

This is what I was doing on Mother's Day morning five years ago. We were staying at a hotel in Waikiki, having a lively breakfast on a deck overlooking the beachfront. All was right with the world. I had all three of my grown children with me and all of my grandchildren, too. Married for 35 years, and blessed with cherished friends, we were all here to celebrate college graduations. We were all healthy and prospering. Life was truly as good as life can be. 

Later that day, Joey and I went for a walk along Waikiki's main street, and he entertained me the whole way.  That boy could make me laugh like nobody's business. I couldn't have been happier.
 Mama Bliss. 

A few short weeks later, my life had turned upside down. My son's ashes had been spread in the sea before me,  and I was myself an ocean of grief. 

I placed his memorial brochure beside the flowers. I wanted those passing by that precious spot to know the magnificent young man the whole world had lost.

~~~~~::~~~~~

Since that day, I have lived through four Mother's Days. The day is still very tender, and I still need to prepare for it emotionally. I know it will never be the same without a hug and a card from my beloved son.

But I have come to realize that this is the nature of life. What is true this year, may not be true next year. Life is ever-changing, it moves swiftly and relentlessly forward, ready or not. I have also come to see that I do not have it the worst. I have two daughters by my side, both beautiful mothers,  and we share the meaning of this day. I have two wonderful sons-in-law, who make me feel special. I have five adorable grandchildren, that keep me rooted in the present and the future, rather than in the past. I am not alone in my grief, as I have other bereaved mom friends, with whom I share the pain and poignancy of this day.  

As I lay out my blessings, I am fully aware of my cherished friend who cannot conceive a child, for whom this day is full of sorrow. I know another mother who has lost the one and only child she will ever have, and with that child, the potential for grandchildren. I know a mother who today is caring for a terminally ill child, and who does not give a second thought to her own breakfast in bed, when she is so busy squeezing all the memories she can from what remains. I know another mother who is experiencing this day for the very first time after the loss of her beloved son, and I know she can barely breathe today. And I know other sad stories of motherhood, that cannot be told here. To all of those beautiful women, I acknowledge your courage and send my love today. You are not forgotten. My heart and prayers are with you. 

And me? I am thankful for the privilege of motherhood, even when I lose, and pretty much under any circumstances at all. 

For Sharon

~In honor of precious Angie~

The grass withers and the flowers fade, but the word of the Lord stands forever.  

I Peter 1: 24,25

There is another world where there is no more death, and no more tears.

His promises are sure and He will not fail us. 

We are safe in His arms. 


All my love, sweet friend. 

Mother's Day Gift

If she weren't my daughter, I would choose her as a friend. 

Mother's Day Photo Attempts

adjusting hair

not looking at camera

model stance

can't see dad

dad scratches chin

giving up and isn't that hilarious

stranger passing by succeeds

one more please for good measure

just the guys --with too many bags

mama and daughter...ahhh. I did it!

three generation fail. 

sweet grandbabies try one more time for their mama and nana.
release. 

Happy Mother's Day to Me

Jaime~Joey~JoAnne

From my body born.

I love my three babies. Love. Them. Completely.

Motherhood has been both the sweetest and most aching part of my life's journey.

I miss my beautiful boy who is in Heaven; I last saw him around Mother's Day four years ago.  

We laughed together at a poolside breakfast on Mother's Day in Oahu 2008. A moment of bliss.

My memories are precious pieces of a short life. Dancing at a special wedding so long ago.

Walking me down the aisle at his sister's wedding years later.

There is an invisible cord that connects us and I refuse to say goodbye to him--only hello.

At the same time, I am so thankful for the two beautiful girls who continue to share my life here. My loving husband, too, who is also responsible for these beautiful children.

Thank God for His tender mercies and the deep comfort they provide.

They are my privileged place in life.

Hurt and deep comfort, both living inside my broken open mother's heart.

Life is such a strange brew of joy and sorrow, parallel tracks of good and bad, smooth and rocky pathways that cannot be avoided.

Mother's Day is a reminder that I don't get everything I want in this life.

Despite my tears, I have hope.  

There is a place where there is only comfort, joy, and good;

a place where there are no more tears.

 I look there.

I am resolute in awaiting that good day

when we will all be

together

again.

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."

Revelation 21:4 

Happy Mother's Day

Mama Zebra and her Baby

Grown don't mean nothing to a mother.

A child is a child. They get bigger, older, but grown?

What's that suppose to mean?

In my heart it don't mean a thing.

~Toni Morrison, Beloved, 1987

What If I'd Known?

No one told me that this picture, taken after running a 5k with my daughters the day before Mother's Day two years ago, was prophetic. This photo seemed incomplete at the time, as Joey had not yet arrived for our graduation celebration. No one told me that in twelve days, Joey would never again appear in our family photos.

No one told me when these poorly focussed pictures were taken, pictures ordinarily destined for the delete button, that they would become precious to me. Here Joey is wearing his favorite shirt, the one I wrapped myself in 12 days later, the one that carries my tears...the one I take out of the plastic bag it's wrapped in to preserve his scent so I can smell him one more time.

No one told me that I would never have this kind of carefree Mother's Day, ever again. Breakfast by the pool with my son, and with those I love the most in all the world, naive to the coming heartbreak and life-shattering grief.

As I rode this trolley back to my hotel, tired and cradling my over-tired grandchildren, I was struck with an intense wave of separation anxiety for Joey. He was on a plane back to Maui and I was still in Honolulu. I was surprised by its ferocity, and wondered why I was feeling it and tried to make it go away. Were the demons taunting me or were the angels warning me? Or was I just being a mother?

No one told me it was only the beginning and that the term "separation anxiety" barely begins to describe it.

This awkward photo seems full of warnings too...our ignorance and Joey's somber face haunt me. We seem so unaware and he seems so alone. What would I have done differently if I'd known?

Hold on and never let go. Cripple him in my clutches.

If I'd known it was our last few days together in this life, we would never have had this last great joy-filled laugh together--this moment of celebration that foreshadows one still to come far away in another world.

I long for this moment and sometimes feel as if my heart will break out of my chest and run away from me to get there.

I guess I'm thankful I didn't know. I needed these precious days, these memories, unfettered by my reckless and futile efforts to control the story.

Life just happened...

and inside the aching pain and the mystery, I trust there's a meaning that will be revealed.

God, be near, and Happy Mother's Day to me.

A Treasure for Christmas

On Christmas Day, Joe showed a video that had recently come in the mail. It was from a friend's wedding 25 years ago, and she had sent it to us after Joey's departure to Heaven because it had footage of my children. My children were little when the video was taken and I think it was probably the first wedding and reception they had ever attended.

As my young children went through the receiving line to hug the bride and groom, the videographer caught their little faces all full of shiny wonder and good manners (that had, by the way, been coached into them all the way to the wedding). When my darling little five year old son, all dressed up in a bow tie and big boy slacks, made it to the front of the line, someone asked him who he was going to dance with at the reception. He proudly answered, "I get to dance with my mom!"

I never knew that till I saw the video last week. Fireworks in my heart. Like another Mother, I treasure all these things in my heart and remember the joy of raising that beautiful boy.

Mary kept all these things and pondered them in her heart.

Luke 2:19

A Kindergarten Mother's Day Tea

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.

You make me happy when skies are gray

You'll never know, dear, how much I love you

Please don't take my sunshine away.

Isa 66:13 As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you; and you will be comforted..."