I've always been a pragmatic-leaning, get it done, be efficient, be thorough, be disciplined, be decisive kind of girl. I'm methodical and sequential. I do the first thing first before moving on to the second thing. When I shop, I don't mull over things, I make a decision and make the purchase. Even if it's not perfect, I make it work anyway. When I move, I pack quickly, and on the other end, empty boxes quickly and put things away. So life can go on. So if people come over, I am ready for them. I don't like to be caught in a state of disorder where I can't just talk/feed/sit with people a while. To be honest, I think it's just a control thing...keep everything under control.
Now I'm different. I have so lost control of my life and making it go the way I want it to go, that I am letting go. I'm way more "whenever, whatever" than I've ever been. I live with chaos better. When you've been dealt the loss of one of your precious children, everything, everything is trivial by comparison. I don't really care how long it takes to fix the ceiling, unpack the boxes, or about being "ready" for people. I don't see too many people now anyway. I don't fear the future for the worst has already happened. It's bigger than me and not in my hands.
So now I go slowly. I go easy. I take little steps. I breathe shallow. I don't care so much that things turn out as I want. Just a little bit at a time. One day at a time. What will be, will be. I try to leave it with God now.
I hope this is an improvement, but only those closest to me know for sure.