Monday, July 13, 2009

A New Change in Me

Under the Antler Arch with Joey --Christmas in Jackson Hole, WY 2007

I've always been a pragmatic-leaning, get it done, be efficient, be thorough, be disciplined, be decisive kind of girl. I'm methodical and sequential. I do the first thing first before moving on to the second thing. When I shop, I don't mull over things, I make a decision and make the purchase. Even if it's not perfect, I make it work anyway. When I move, I pack quickly, and on the other end, empty boxes quickly and put things away. So life can go on. So if people come over, I am ready for them. I don't like to be caught in a state of disorder where I can't just talk/feed/sit with people a while. To be honest, I think it's just a control thing...keep everything under control.

Now I'm different. I have so lost control of my life and making it go the way I want it to go, that I am letting go. I'm way more "whenever, whatever" than I've ever been. I live with chaos better. When you've been dealt the loss of one of your precious children, everything, everything is trivial by comparison. I don't really care how long it takes to fix the ceiling, unpack the boxes, or about being "ready" for people. I don't see too many people now anyway. I don't fear the future for the worst has already happened. It's bigger than me and not in my hands.

So now I go slowly. I go easy. I take little steps. I breathe shallow. I don't care so much that things turn out as I want. Just a little bit at a time. One day at a time. What will be, will be. I try to leave it with God now.

I hope this is an improvement, but only those closest to me know for sure.

Matt 6: 34
So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries.
Today’s trouble is enough for today.


Mackenzie said...

so no more "shame cleaning"? that song (literally) pops into my head every time I am stressing out about having the house picked up for guests to come over. it helps me to calm down and let go a bit more, too. Jim is also really good at reminding me not to worry about things so much and just "be". It is difficult thing, for sure, but a lesson I am happy to learn because I feel that it helps me to savor life more rather than try to make things happen the way I think they should happen.

those are my thoughts :) thank you for sharing yours.


Gannet Girl said...

I know we don't know each other at all yet and please don't take this the wrong way but -- oh my -- ROFL -- you MOVED from Alaska to Virginia!!!! I cannot even begin to imagine the organizational skill and determined effort that has taken. I gaze at the kitchen floor from time to time and think, I suppose maybe I could mop that. Next week. Or month.

Of course, I am back in school. Studying Hebrew, God help me. As always, I am struck by how we all contend with this nightmare of grief for our children entirely in character. Whatever it is we can do, we do, and what we can't we simply don't.

Someone just posted a quote about death and memory on FB and it was immediately followed by comments about how comforting the words were. I did not see anything remotely comforting in them.

We are all just so different, and yet so in the same kind of pain.

Wishes for peace and whatever it takes in your beautiful new home.

Anonymous said...

I have good intentions ;) but I don't stress if it takes forever to get there.

You know, I feel pretty sure you would have become this way most likely--anyhow--as I say. I think you would have made this change in your life with Joey physically here too.

The only difference is that you are more aware of the change cause it's a new way of living life with Joey. You are keen to every new step you take cause it's a different stride. But you are still making that stride in the same feet.

Some people whirl through this stage of life and don't take notice or see it with clarity. You see if with definition most of us never get a glimpse of. You are wise and appreciative cause of Joey. You know how fast life can change.

You never quit carrying the burden of sorrow but you do learn to shift the weight to God. You'll still see two sets of footprints in the sand but they won't make such a deep furrow in time.

I'm not saying any of this out of the experience your kind of grief entails. I'm just saying cause I believe God can make a difference.

I think it's real good to slow down cause you are in the South now and we don't do nothing fast.

Anonymous said...

Beautiful, beautiful picture of the two of you. I love what you had to say! I can't beleive how the two of us were and are so much the same. It seems most everything you say could be me writting. How strange is that? I feel there must be some reason why God decided to connect us in this way. Perhaps we will find out soon
When I get through the day and have
done what I used to it feels very good but if I don't it really does not matter to me either. Loving God the way I need is my lesson.
Thanks always for your blog.
Love Sharon

Liza's Eyeview said...

que sera sera ... one day at a time ... :)


Anonymous said...

I think Karen, one cannot escape the forever changes grief brings. Those that love you still hurt with you.
Love Gary

josh said...

Good observations about yourself. You should take the Myers-Briggs test again. It might be interesting to see if your fundamental personality has been altered.

Anonymous said...

To us you are perfect.. however, wherever, and whenever you are.

We love you, sis.
Steve n Jackie.

lorensaved77 said...

I'm sorry to say, but truth is, welcome to my world!

Miss you, Think of you often!

Love, Blessings, and Aloha!

TutuMan and Tutu Lu Kepler said...

Great observations, Karen. I also wonder, though, if being so physically close to the grandchildren could have some of those same effects, or at least heighten them?