Friday, September 11, 2009

How It Feels

The Scream
Edvard Munch
For a long time I was constantly seeking metaphors for my grief. I guess I thought if I described it accurately enough, it would go away. Of course that didn't work, but still I hoped that it might decrease my sense of aloneness. I hoped that if I could describe it in terms another person could understand, they would say, "Oh, I'm so sorry. How devastating. I had no idea it was like that. Tell me more."

This painting perfectly describes how I feel about losing Joey.
The shock, the woe, the terror, the horror, and on a second level, two people walking by, oblivious.

I have learned to be stoic when people don't understand, don't care or don't even pause to acknowledge my grief.
But inside
it absolutely. breaks. my. heart.

Psalm 88:1-3
O LORD, the God who saves me, day and night I cry out before you.
May my prayer come before you; turn your ear to my cry.
For my soul is full of trouble and my life draws near the grave.


Gannet Girl said...

I have started translating Psalm 88 for my big paper this quarter. Yesterday my best friend here at seminar told me that she had read it for the first time the night before and added, "My heart hurts for you." Even the people closest to us have no real idea of the trauma.

Anonymous said...

That picture, oh how perfect is that image. I like you and many others know exactly what that is to us. The hole in my heart only seems to have gotten bigger since our loss. Gannet girl got it right about people not having any idea. I allow them to only see the best in me because they really can not understand our pain, grief and loss. It is almost hideous.
Love Sharon

karengberger said...

I just left a comment on Gannet Girl's blog about this loneliness, and the fact that your blog, hers and Chris's (among others) help alleviate that aloneness, for me. I am not a "joiner," so going to a group would not appeal, at this point. But you fellow bloggers in grief are always here, and I can come and read you, and know that you understand.
To be unafraid to face the cross of another, to stand at the foot of it, to step in where others wish to run away, is compassion and love. Thank you for this gift. I hope you feel the same gifts coming to you from me.

Karen and Joe said...

Thank you to all three of you. You understand and I so appreciate everything you write and the comfort you give me. You alleviate my loneliness in this dark night of grief. I am so thankful I found you.

wfc said...

Thanks Karen for your note. I wish I knew what to say to you. I remember you from high school and you haven't changed. I appreciate you looking at my blog. It has helped me with healing to be able to write about Bryce. I hope you will continue to find strength and peace. It is a different journey for each of us but one we each have to take whether we want to or not. I am grateful for your experiences and your willingness to share. Your son was an amazing person. I am so glad he shared his adventures. Much love to you and your family, Wynette

flowergardengirl said...

I haven't had much time lately for a lot of things but I've had time for you. I make time to stop by because you connect me with reality. I live in that flowery world of no screams and daily motion and I'm so afraid I'll become callus. I don't want to be the one who passes and has no clue. I want to be sensitive and be able to listen even when I can't relate. At least I know I can't relate but I just want to be there and applaud efforts. And I don't ever want to say---get over it cause the is cruel and not even achievable. I just want to let you be who you need to be for that moment.

lorensaved77 said...

You have some very thoughtful, insightful and deep friends who pour into your Life. I'am not so profound or deep with my words But I do Know the Pain of a horrific Loss!
There are days I will be Happy and Joyful on the outside, But Inside I am always Crying and Missing My Danielle, a Pain that no one else can fathom other than what they experience from Their own loss.
I'm Sorry you are hurting Karen, I wish I could Sit and Have tea With you again and Cry together....Laugh too If you wanted!
I do want to share that the Pain does get easier, with time,Time is what you need my friend!

Miss you...