Thursday, July 26, 2012

Suicide Grief



This is different.

 I have lived nearly six decades and suicide has never entered my personal sphere of experience. On the 4th of July, while we were out boating with friends and family, another friend, in the pit of discouragement and likely a drug-induced haze, took an overdose of meds and began a rapid downward spiral.  Four days later, she was gone. A pastor's wife, a mother of three young children, a beautiful, loving friend to me, my daughters, and so many others.

Thud.

This is not the same as my grief for my son. That was clean. Pure untainted sorrow. Tears flowed.

With this, grief comes after.

After the plaguing questions, the hindsight regrets, the shocking anger, the self-recriminations.

How did we miss this?
Did we understand her so little?
Were we blind, deaf, silent to her need?
Did she withhold information from us?
Did she do it in a rage, a fog, an impulsive desperate moment?
How could she do this to her kids?

She is in Heaven now. I believe that. But the hurt and pain left behind?
How does that get fixed?
Slowly, I think.

9 comments:

Robin said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jenny said...

I am sorry you are having to go through this sorrowful and confusing time. Prayers for you. Prayers for her. Prayers for those she left behind.

karen gerstenberger said...

Sending love to you & your entire community.

Robin said...

Never.

Not on this side.

Remember all those conversations we had about how grief is like a backpack, and you just keep learning to shift the weight?

Yes, the contents of this particular backpack have so many jagged angles that there is no place to which to shift it so that those questions stop.


(Trying again. Even with the worst, I attempt grammatical correctness!)

Leslie said...

Karen my heart is heavy. My thoughts are with you, your family, and this special soul's family and friends. Much love.

GrahamForeverInMyHeart said...

I'm so sorry. Another very tragic loss.

The site that I put together for my own reading has many blogs and sites by parents who lost children to suicide. It might be worth sharing - because I find that reading other people's thoughts and words helps a little.
http://www.scoop.it/t/grief-and-loss

Anonymous said...

I understand Karen and I will share something with you by email. My heart goes out to you, heavy and big. I also think, as you said, God is big enough to handle all of this. So hard, trudge along with all those that love you and take a deep breath. I love you so much Sharon

kristin said...

i'm not sure how i ended up in this corner of blogland, but thank you for your tender words.

i grew up watching my brother struggle with epilepsy and your site tugged at a part of me i'd forgotten.

may strength and clarity continue to be yours.

Jeri said...

It takes a long time to sort it all out. There are many questions left unanswered and we get through suicide the best way we can. Leaning on God and not our own understanding.