Sunday, March 06, 2011
When Your Child Dies
When your child dies, you fall into a hole of grief.
You look up from the bottom and feel suspended far away.
The world you held in your hand and gazed at in wonder floats away.
Your dreams grow cold along with your child,
Never the same again.
Betrayed by optimism
Hope freezes deep inside of you.
Separation anxiety covers your skin.
It compresses your chest so you cannot breathe.
It holds you down till you say surrender.
It grabs your spine and hooks your neck
and throbs inside your brain.
Your jaws ache from clenching it back.
After a time, you slowly begin to thaw.
You wonder how you are still alive
How did that happen?
How did you plow into that iceberg and watch the ship sink and go down with it into those icy waters and still have
a beating heart?
That is a miracle.
Not the one you wanted, but the one you got.
Now you are different.
You are quiet where you once talked.
You are uncertain where you once had answers.
You are relentlessly lonely and gather all your children to you
Except the one you will not see again
for what seems a too long time.
Too long for comfort.
Where is the comfort?
Where is God?
Does He come near this forlorn place?
Does He check in, assess the situation, shake His head in dismay?
Does He send angels?
Or does He sit next to me and lean in and watch my heart break over and over again and weep for the sorrow of Paradise Lost?
He says He is present.
He says He never leaves.
In the darkest darkness
In the coldest cold
He is there.
In the frozen wasteland of my heart that dares not feel a thing
When my soul crumples and curls in cold pain
He is there.
I wish I could see Him.
I wish I could hear Him.
I wish I could ask Him.
I wish I could feel Him.
I wish none of this was my life.
But it is.
And He is present.
Invisible, silent, brooding, present.
Maker of mothers and children
Of that sacred bond
Who had a mother too who held Him.
Father of all
And me His child.
Who knows so much sorrow
And dares to risk more
To have my whole-hearted heart.
Be present with me.