Sunday, March 06, 2011

When Your Child Dies

When your child dies, you fall into a hole of grief.
You look up from the bottom and feel suspended far away.
The world you held in your hand and gazed at in wonder floats away.
Your dreams grow cold along with your child,
Never the same again.
Betrayed by optimism
Hope freezes deep inside of you.

Separation anxiety covers your skin.
It compresses your chest so you cannot breathe.
It holds you down till you say surrender.
It grabs your spine and hooks your neck
and throbs inside your brain.
Your jaws ache from clenching it back.

After a time, you slowly begin to thaw.
You wonder how you are still alive
How did that happen?
How did you plow into that iceberg and watch the ship sink and go down with it into those icy waters and still have
a beating heart?
That is a miracle.
Not the one you wanted, but the one you got.

Now you are different.
You are quiet where you once talked.
You are uncertain where you once had answers.
You are relentlessly lonely and gather all your children to you
Except the one you will not see again
for what seems a too long time.
Too long for comfort.

Where is the comfort?
Where is God?
Does He come near this forlorn place?
Does He check in, assess the situation, shake His head in dismay?
Does He send angels?
Or does He sit next to me and lean in and watch my heart break over and over again and weep for the sorrow of Paradise Lost?

He says He is present.
He says He never leaves.
Never forsakes.
In the darkest darkness
In the coldest cold
He is there.
In the frozen wasteland of my heart that dares not feel a thing
When my soul crumples and curls in cold pain
He is there.

I wish I could see Him.
I wish I could hear Him.
I wish I could ask Him.
I wish I could feel Him.
I wish none of this was my life.
But it is.

And He is present.
Invisible, silent, brooding, present.
Maker of mothers and children
Of that sacred bond
Who had a mother too who held Him.
Father of all
And me His child.
Hold me.
Who knows so much sorrow
And loss.
And dares to risk more
To have my whole-hearted heart.
Be present with me.


karen gerstenberger said...

Amen, sister.
How beautifully you said it, for all of us.
Sending love to you xoxoxoxoxoxo

Jenny said...

Beautifully, perfectly written, dear friend. Do you mind if I link my readers to this post?

Beckypdj said...

another Amen.

Anonymous said...

We as mothers are always feeling just what you wrote.
So sorry for the hurt and sadness dear friend. xoxo Sharon

sheree said...

I've been reading your blog but have never commented before. Your words are beautiful. I'm deeply sorry for your loss. You are in my prayers.

Anna/Flowergardengirl said...

I'm sorry Karen. It's no fair--it stinks worse than anything else on earth. I wish for us to be in heaven with the Father, with the Son, and with the Holy Ghost. I wish for us to be one family under one name--a.... Name above all names.

Hugging you tight every day and never ever forgetting that a huge part of you is missing.

This is a tremendous poem that only one heart could of written for each person grieves differently. Your cry to God is uniquely you. He hears each sorrow as if hearing it for the first time. He never tires of hearing you and we don't either.

I pray that God has prepared a home for Joey that is more grand than anything he could of imagined. I pray for you a way to see a journey thorough the sadness.

Jackie Johnson said...

Very powerful! I love you sweet sister!

Anonymous said...

He sits next to you and leans in and watches your heart break over and over again and weeps with you for the sorrow of Paradise Lost!
Beautiful words Karen!
This is what I think.

Daisy said...

When I first saw the title on my blog list, I knew that I couldn't read this right away; too much sadness around me. So I waited a bit until I could. So beautiful, Karen.