Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Melancholy

Weddings make me sad. For the obvious reason. I try to be there for my friends, but really, they just make me sad. Twice in a row, in the only two weddings I've attempted, I've ended up leaving the room at some point in the festivities. Actually, that mother/son dance did me in this time. And now, Father's Day is coming, and I'm in a state of profound sadness, yet again. How those days stack up. I have a mind-numbing stack of sad days behind me, and more to come.

I took my granddaughter shopping yesterday. She needed summer clothes. She's going to Florida for three weeks. I can't bear that she's leaving. I have to get used to it, I know. They leave.

If they could see inside my heart, I would be prone on the ground, holding them by their feet, as they drag me along, pleading, "please don't leave. don't grow up. don't explore. don't risk life. just stay. please."

But I don't. I just press it inside where all those sad days are stacked up.
Mind-numbing. Unspoken. Sad. Days.

My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word.

Psalm 119:28

9 comments:

Beckypdj said...

There are definitely some hard times. Sorry you are experiencing them so close together.

Peyton's friends just graduated high school without him and I too want to grab them by the ankles and beg them not to grow up any more than they already have.

I try to stay focused on the good things and try to imagine what he is doing in heaven. These thoughts make it better, sometimes not.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings.

Marina said...

I'm so sorry my friend, sorry that you are sad, sorry that you don't have your Joey physically with you. I will lift you and Joe up in prayer as you face this weekend.
I love you and wish I was close enough to give you a hug.
Thank you for putting your feelings aside and supporting our family! I appreciate it so much and I do realize what a sacrifice it was for you.
Marina

karen gerstenberger said...

I get it, I get it, I get it.

Yet I can't help but think that your love and support enabled Joey to live a FULL, adventurous life, in his short years. I am so thankful that he got to experience all that he did, because you didn't hold on to him too tightly. It's a great gift, the gift of one's own life.
But the wedding part, and all that isn't going to be, oh, I get it.
I don't know if I will ever see a bride without wishing I could have been the "mother of the bride" for my Katie...and the grandmother of her babies. It wasn't on my mind then, but it surely is now. My heart is with yours; I wish I could just hold you and cry with you. I'm so sorry.

Robin said...

I just sent our regrets in response to a wedding invitation today, after delaying till the last possible moment. I concluded that I had had enough sadness at my graduation and did not need to subject myself to a tall blonde young man marrying a beautiful Asian woman -- the kind of wedding I had expected to co-host.

Someone told me the other days that weddings are the worst and that it would probably be 6-7 years before they are tolerable.

Jeri said...

I'm sorry Karen. I can't imagine how much pain you're in. I do understand feeling like you don't want the little ones to grow up. Hanging on to them by the ankles. Hmmmm....

You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Love you,
Jeri

Anonymous said...

I think there no one that can remove your pain and that is painful for those that love you and Joe. Even Jesus understood sorrow and pain because He was a man of many sorrows. He understood that it was a part of this life and living on this earth. The amazing thing is, He came to this earth knowing full well He would endure that sorrow and pain in order to finally eliminate it for all of us, for all of eternity.
Hebrews 12:2
Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God.

I think a large part of that joy set before Him was being reunited with His Father. I think a large part was seeing loved ones reunited and never having to deal with losing a loved one in death again. I think a large part was seeing sadness and sorrow come to an end.
Love you both,
Gary

Elis said...

I'm so sorry for your pain. I wish God had given us the ability to press a button of some kind, and that would transfer your pain to me, even if was for just a little bit.
I love you Joe and Karen and my heart breaks for you, to see how sad you are. I wish there was a button...
Elis

caitsmom said...

I'm so sorry. That sadness is so thick and it covers and seeps in. ((((hugs))))) May you have some release.

Jenny said...

I understand the wedding thing. With me, it is First Holy Communion. Ben was so eager to receive Jesus in the Eucharist for the first time and I was looking forward to helping him prepare for that most special day. Every spring, I definitely become very weepy and melancholy.

Hang in there. You know you are always in my prayers.