Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Things I Can't Do

My Birthday Dinner--Just Six of Us

I just had one of those weekends.
It was my birthday...and...

One of my son's dearest friends got married in California.
The son of his second dearest friend's son.
The ones who walked us through two memorial services and wept with us.

I so wanted to be there.
I had planned for months to be there.  
It felt like I should be there.
So many people I love all in one place.

But when the moment came,
 I just couldn't do it.
Couldn't force myself into it.
Hyperventilation, palpitations, throat constriction.

Happy occasions are dangerous now.
They rip the heart open, and create an emotional emergency, not unlike a medical one. 
Symptoms abound.

 I've worked so hard to paste my broken heart back together,
 to keep it beating,
and it's ever. so. fragile.
My birthday, without my son, is bad enough.
(bad, bad, bad.)

Being at a wedding with all his closest friends is more than I can bear.
Too many broken dreams all in one place.  

But I send my love, my gift, my prayers,
And thank them all
for their grace and compassion
in understanding
the weakness of a cripple.

Heb 4:15,16
For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are - yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.


karen gerstenberger said...

My dear friend, I wish I could sit with you, here on my couch (or yours), make a cup of tea for you, sit in silence together, or join in prayer. My heart sends deepest love and compassion to yours. I am so grateful that they accepted that it was too hard for you to be there in the flesh, just now. Of course they knew that you were with them in love and in spirit.
Please be gentle and kind to yourself. These "special days" can be the worst.
Sending much love to you. I love the photo.

Robin said...

Oh my dear, I wondered what the story was behind the happy FB posts.

All those days that used to be so special, now so difficult.

Our son's best friend from elementary through middle school is getting married this summer. I have been wondering what on earth to do about it -- a day that, were our son alive, would be a day of tremendous joy and celebration for all of us, but now looms ahead as one of terrible pain. I may just print your post out to send to my good friend, his mother.

Anonymous said...

Karen, As I choke away the tears that want to fall I feel
the connection we now share. We don't need to explain ourselves, the other knows, we have been there. After a while we will be the guide for others as we take our turns. Be kind to yourself. xoxoxo Sharon

Anonymous said...

Thank you for writing this post. It is so horrible and articulate at the same time - what this feels like - living without your son (or my son).

Thank you.

bonita said...

Karen, I thank God all the time for your birth. I loved the clip Joey made for Red Bull--he continues to make us earthlings laugh. Must be another role of the Saints:) You continue to share His (and Joey's) touch with your beautiful, merciful, healing anointings. Thank You, love bonita

Jeri said...

My heart aches for you.