Mom Psalm

It's May.
It's the 7th time we have visited this anniversary.
It still comes like a shadow.
It. Still. Hurts. in case anyone wonders.
I could howl at the moon.
In the beginning I wondered how long it would hurt. Now I know.

I have accepted that the aching void of your absence will never go away in this life.
I didn't know that separation anxiety went on and on.
I didn't know I could go on living carrying all these broken pieces inside of me.
I can.
I have carved out new space inside of me and carry you there.
I am perpetually pregnant.

Everything has changed. We are not the same.
The children are growing up.
The sisters are carving new paths.
Old loves have found new loves.
We have a different look.
Change is the status quo.

Strangely, I started to laugh again this year.
I hadn't noticed it was missing till it started again.
It's a good sign.
Like the leaves of spring.
Surrender is happening.
It was more than I ever wanted. But there it is.

I love you.
I got to birth and nurse you.
I see those baby years, my beautiful boy.  I dream them occasionally.
I watched you go from seed to strength. Your vibrant life.
I saw the man. The beautiful smile, like parentheses. The opinions. The thoughts.
I love that wild hair, so radiant. Better now, I've heard you say.

It can be done.
As I carry you Someone carries me.
Man of Sorrows walks the broken road with me.
Another thing I never knew.
Added to the pile of all the things I never knew.
There is life in death.

My heart has been pierced.
My soul has grown.
My journey is a resting place.
A place where I feel dove's wings slowly moving over me.
A place of peace.
Another thing I never knew.