Saturday, August 17, 2013

Rainy Heart


It's Joey's 6th birthday in Heaven. It pains me to write the words. It's also a rainy gray day at the beach, which somehow seems entirely appropriate. 

As do the broken bits of shell in the sand and the stranded jelly fish. 

But in spite of the gray, the sun breaks through, and strangely, that too, is a reflection of my heart today. 

Somehow I have found light in the midst of my sorrow. 

Not at first. It took years to find it. It was often a cold, lonely, aching journey. 

But it was there -- undeniable incomprehensible hope in the midst of something terrible. 

Little bits and pieces of hope all around me. Almost negligible, but together they amount to enough for each day. 

I have had signs. Here and there. Reminders. God holds my hand. 

I know I will see my son again. I can feel him. 

And it keeps the darkest darkness away from my heart. 

And makes me want to leave a mark of hope on those around me. 

Not despair, emptiness, discouragement. 

But hope that there is help in the storms of life.

That God's care is bigger than my loss. 

That there is a future where all my tears will be gone. 

If I can just hold on through the storm. 

There is enough of what I need. 

His eye is on the sparrow...maybe it's on me too. 

I love you beautiful son.
I miss you so.
Thank you for taking me on a journey deeper and harder than I ever wanted.
 Thank you, Lord, for leading me to higher ground.


Matthew 10:29
When birds are sold, two small birds cost only a penny. But not even one of those little birds can die without your Father knowing it.

6 comments:

Robin said...

My dear girl. Love you.

GrahamForeverInMyHeart said...

Hugs to you on this day that you gave birth to Joey.

Daisy said...

The sparrow quote is one that often comes to mind. Sometimes my only prayer ends up being: "Not one, right God?"

You do leave a mark of hope, dear Karen. And much graciousness.

Mackenzie said...

Thank you for sharing a piece of your journey so honestly and openly. So thankful for hope. Love to you and your family.

Karen Gerstenberger said...

Amen, dear friend. I am glad that you are seeing that light of love. You certainly are a sign of hope in my life!
Until we meet in the sweet by-and-by, Happy Birthday, wonderful Joey!

christine said...

As I read this today, my heart aches and swells....Just like the ocean...Just is....and hope comes, yet pulls back and comes again. Such a journey...Love you friend. Can't wait to meet each other's kids....what a day that will be.